I’ve been married five times and never divorced. That’s one of the mixed blessin’s of living to be 191. You get a lot of joy...but you also suffer a lot of pain.

I’ve been lucky enough to share my life with some fine women...watch them grow and mature...make babies and raise ‘em...build some fine homes. But then I’ve had to watch them grow old and see the hurt in their eyes that I didn’t join them. Worst of all...I had to watch the the peopIe I loved most in the world die...and then try to make life mean somethin’ again after they were gone.

Everybody thinks they want to live forever but let me tell you, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes, lookin’ back over all those years, all the hurts just pile up and I can’t see much point in goin’ on livin’.

That’s one of the reasons I don’t get married anymore. I just don’t think I could take havin’ my whole world jerked out from under me again. I made that decision a while back and let me tell you...it was a hard one...because I am a man that likes to be hitched. As far as I am concerned, marriage is the best thing the Maker ever cooked up for people to do.

Probably the best thing about marriage is women. I particularly like women. In my experience, they are by far the higher quality of the two sexes. I know in the Bible it says the Lord made men first but I figure that was just to get his mistakes out of they way so he could do a good job on his second try.

I’m not sayin’ men are without virtues and attributes. From time to time, I still run into a man that is of some account. I must admit though, it is gettin' rarer these days.

Men are good at some things. They are mostly bigger and stronger. If you was to get in a fight (somethin’ I ain’t done in 140 years), some men is better at your back than a woman. Men is better at belchin’ and passing wind and gettin’ drunk and loud. They is better at startin’ wars and bullyin’ people around. I mean, they got their specialties...but mostly, women are just a better job. That’s why the Lord cooked up this marriage thing.

You see, a man is like a mule. A good one will pull a plow all day long but if he don’t have a steady hand on the reign, he will drag that rig all over the field. Next thing you know he’ll have it wrapped around a tree and be standin’ there braying for somebody to come unhitch him.

I have yet to see a man who didn’t go in a straighter line with a woman at the reigns. With a good woman guidin’ him, a man can turn out to be quite useful despite the disadvantages of his sex. That’s why marriage is as popular as it is.

In fact, these days marriage is getting even more popular. Lots of people like it so much, they up and quit one marriage just so they can get the chance to do it again.

I am a little afraid of this trend however. With so many poorly trained men runnin’ around, so many men with incomplete educations...I‘m afraid we are bound to have more and more trouble. Just like partial broke horses and partial trained dogs...partially trained men are a problem. Another woman who don’t know they got an incomplete gentling is liable to assume a man of this sort is properly broke and be at risk of bein’ thrown when she climbs in the saddle.

The truth is it takes a woman quite a while to train a good man. Men tend to be stubborn and not that smart...especially when they are young. This can’t be helped however. In order to keep the planet populated, God caused all men to disconnect their brains somewhere around the age of 14 and begin to think with an organ that is lower on the body. This goes on for different periods of time with different men. Some can start to use their brains again a little in their twenties, a few more in their forties...but most don’t put their noggin’ back to work until way later in life. By that time of course, women are far ahead.

Now things have been changin’ in the last hundred years or so as far as women are concerned. Up to then, women was mostly willin’ to let the mule lead the team as long as they had a firm grip on the reigns. These days, lots of ladies have taken to pulling the plow themselves. Some have determined that it is easier to do it yourself that to deal with a cussed mule. They have got tired of gettin’ kicked and bit and brayed at. They get tired of folks thinkin’ the mule leads the team just because he walks up front. Often as not, they just throw the reigns up in the air and walk off.

Now I have sympathy with this. I am a thoroughly trained man. Five good women put their lives into makin’ me useful and I say with respect to them, that they have done a heck of a job. I am not selfish. I can do nigh on to any job around the house. I can cook and clean and change a diaper. I have learned patience and I don’t have to hide how I’m feelin’ to impress the boys. I can even cry if I feel like it. I am graduated from the institution of marriage and am well proud of it. There ain’t no higher education.

But to those ladies who have give up on men , I have just a few points to make.

I can understand that you might get tired of training such a cussed and dull animal. Everybody says Job was patient but you can be sure he learned it from his wife. I can see how it must feel good to just drop them reigns and tell him to plow it himself.

But consider this. Nothin’ is more beautiful that a good team at work. A good team of two can sometimes do the work of three. When a man is well trained, he can be kind and gentle and produce quite a lot of results. He can even learn how to properly love a woman...one of the highest and most useful skills on this planet.

Truth is, nothing can love a woman like a man. He is the best there is at it when he gets goin’. He can coddle and coo and sweet talk and make her feel like she is the most special thing in the world (which she is). This is what he spends all his time workin’ on after his brain gets detached as a young man. It is the only thing he properly practices during this period of his life.

Now men, not bein’ too intelligent, think the purpose of all these skills is to land a woman. Once they get one, they tend to forget their expertise.

This is a shame but it can be remedied. Ladies, with the crack of a whip and a carrot or two, a man can actually be made into livestock that is worth keepin’ around.

All you have got to do is get it through his thick skull that he’s got to use the same skills that won you...to keep you.